Samsara

As dad and I came back from the volcano to the city of Neuquen, we stopped to visit some relatives of my mother that live somewhere in between. I don’t remember very well where we were, when my birthday on 5th January finally arrived. I was becoming 13 years old and was going to start high school in a girls’ semiprivate school. It was a meaningful moment for me, because I had great expectations of this new period of my life, just before university, where I would study what was going to be my profession. I had great hopes for my future. So I was connecting to myself and my dreams.

It was the day of my birthday and I remember having a notebook and creating my signature, which has been the one I use till present day. It was morning or afternoon, I only remember I was alone in a small room that had a table and at that moment an idea came to me: I would write two letters, one for Jennié on her 14th birthday and one for her 18th birthday, right after finishing high school. In the first I would just share my hopes for that first year and how successful I expected her to be. The second one was even more ambitious, I expected Jennié to follow some kind of classical professional path like a lawyer or accountant, facing to a future of autonomy, wealth and influence in society. I kept both and brought them with me to Buenos Aires as we came back.

As a year passed and I was 14, I had been bullied by my classmates cause I was too different, “a nerd”, was also not interested in looks or guys and stimulated the shyest girls to play as we did in primary school jumping the rope or playing with the elastic. I had to deal with lots of new stuff related to the interaction with others. I ended up in a way negotiating with the “cool” girls and being the one that would explain them Maths and other subjects, or would pass them the answers to the tests, so that they would not mock at me or bully me anymore. I had the power of knowledge and I used it to protect myself.

So as I read my letter, I realized that none of the things I had thought of had been exactly as I had planned or wanted them to be and I asked myself why. As soon as I started recalling the whole year, I could clearly see that all my decisions made sense and that each and every choice I had made during the year was intimately related to my circumstances and that, no matter what I had thought in the past, my circumstances influenced me in such a way that sticking strictly to my old philosophy would have led me to more suffering. So I understood that my imagination was limited in comparison to what reality brings and that questioning myself and changing, made perfect sense; that what life brings can overwhelm me in such a way and can make me stand in places I would never imagine, so that I  become a different person. A person making decisions that I could never have thought I would make, and being a person I never could think i would be.

This thought grew and grew as I went on writing letters from birthday to birthday until I got to my 18th birthday with two letters, one from Jennié of 17 and one from Jennié of 13. As I read both I found they were so different from each other and I, being 18, was so different from both. At that moment I realized life is simply wonderful and it will always be there to surprise me in the most unimaginable ways. That’s why in that moment I made only one wish, which was that when I reached my 30s, I just wanted me to be a professional, doing what she likes and living happily from it. That was all I wanted for my life.

Life went on and I studied to become a psychotherapist and a university teacher, happily living from my work and in continuous education. So when I became 30, I took that special time for reflecting on my wish and I couldn’t be more than happy. I had reached all I wanted in this life, so I said to myself: “Ok. I can die now and I would die happily. So, from now on, life is just some more time to let myself be surprised and seeing who I am, as what comes, comes.” And so I did, and do. My wishes and expectations are always there, and they are always moving and changing as they become or don’t become real, always open to what comes to me and living life fully in its good and bad moments, knowing that it will always bring wisdom and awareness.

And that’s why I called this article Samsara, concept that means “flowing with” and that represents in many spiritual traditions, mostly a type of Buddhism and Hinduism, the reality that the only permanent thing in life is change. I learned that very early because I became, by writing those letters, a witness of my own behavior and my own behavioral changes and I could very early understand that, in the end, life is a flowing mystery and that the best we can do is to live it as the adventure that it is: being on this earth. So enjoy it with all its ups and downs, because each and every experience, no matter how painful, makes perfect sense when you look back and see the whole picture.

From now on, I have no idea what articles come, but I felt this one was the pivotal after which I will start writing more about the reflections that living this adventure has brought to me.

So hope to see you soon here again.

A big hug,

Jennié

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